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Xun
141087
From every
to nothing.

copyright of cookie
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Hello.
I am going to sleep at 4+am now.
Wanted to write about something I was thinking about just now but it seems long.
Anyway, does anyone has any idea why i cant blog on iphone? the keyboard doesnt appear at the create tab.

Friends, faster pick up the pace and catch up with me.
I may be depressed but I wont allow myself to fall back. (HAHHAHA act only)
Fasterrrrrrrr!
Um think positive?

Im not particularly excited at the thought of post-exams nor am do I feel a sense of emptiness like in poly days.
Perhaps the reason is because I didn't really put in ALOT of effort to strive for results back then. And therefore I felt empty at the end of exams.
But right now I do not feel particularly happy or sad but a smooth mood.
Yes I have things and shows to watch but I no longer feel exhilarated.
Well i supposed this time round the materials and school standard is higher, which makes your effort increase. And please, the passing mark is 34 because of the difficulty and strictness in marking and not because its easy to scrap a pass.
Shut up if you dont know. So actually if one scored 50 its like a 70+ in a normal standard exam, and my school levels itself on whatever classes and first-class honours.
I think it'd be good to get first-hons but lets just deal with the facts.
Its wonderful to have left one final paper, in the day after next and I cant revert my diligence. Yeah maybe I could be very hardworking given a second chance but seeing the impossibility so that Im not, and I dont want to work so hard either.
tsk tsk tsk, wake up you kids.
I have more pressing matters! (I sound like Dumbledore.)
Further, I cant be that diligent and productive like I used to be.
I dont return home to revise my work and complete my homework before doing anything else.
Circumstances change.
There's many things to think about and do!
Oh boy I wish I could see how people have nothing to think about and just study like their lives depend on it. (nooooo it doesnt.)

Boohooo I sound so exhausted.
My shoulders ache right now again.
So mom, if you're still here, can you take them off me?
I want to get off, thanks.
Love you.
But i miss you more.

ok 430am now im gonna crash. til then, children.


4:18 AM

Thursday, May 21, 2009
I downloaded Seven Pounds by Will Smith and just finished watching.
Tskk. It's a total worthy watch.
I can't help but was once again amazed by his great acting skills; your heart goes all out to him.
The plot attracted me from the start, it goes as follows:
The show begun with Will Smith being traumatised by an accident he caused sometime ago, which includes the death of his wife (they probably just got married) and 6 other strangers (probably on the way to or back from a trip).
He couldn't live with himself and spent the last few periods of his life looking for good people to give himself to.
His best friend, from youngster childhood helped him along in finding these people and settling donor issues.
This particular scene made my heart ache: the friend, dan was upset that Will was questioning his ability to honour what was being said i.e. that he will help him in fulfilling these "pound wishes". Dan was crying and kinda promised he wouldn't go back on his word and that he knew him his entire life.
Thing is, Dan was actually hurting so deep inside because obviously he didn't want his best friend to go, but couldnt stop him/did not want to. This reminded me of a book by Jodi Picoult I read earlier on, The Pact - where the 2 antagonists who also grew up together every single day ended up in a situation where one had to be the one holding a shotgun to the other's head. After reading I couldn't put it to myself how could the guy (I forgot his name) let Emily Gold (yes this i remember) die and didn't actually went to find out what was really happening. How???
Further, what she was dealing with really can be lightened if she had chosen to share with her family etc.
But then about a week after finishing the book, I concluded that I would too.
Well the idea is simple as you simply let your friends or loved ones do what they want, though it might be detrimental. But seriously, I would let you go if that's what you really want. It would be painful to stop someone from doing what he wants in the first place. And that person would have given much thought to it.
Because he probably loved her too much and cared too much for her, whatever she wanted were his wishes.
I KNOW. TOTALLY.
What you can do is to stand aside and smile, while fighting to keep your tears from even forming.
Anyway... in the show, Will divided his assets which includes property and organs like lungs, liver, heart, eyes. Yeah into 7 parts. (HAHAHHAHA he must have been a supporter of Voldemort.... errrr harry potter if u dont know).
There were several heart-aching scenes so do give it a watch when you feel down. HAHHA only make you feel worst but that's what I love to do.
I loved the way he acted his emotions through his facial expressions. A frown, nod of the head and viewers can practically die. I swear all Will's shows are good. Like Pursuit of Happiness etc etc. Seriously.....
who wants to watch shows like night at the museum 2 or bolt or madagascar 1 2 3 4 5 10000? Unproductive and doesn't get you thinking.
WE ALWAYS NEED TO THINK OKAY.
(hahaha bitch)

Anyway Will gave a call to Dan when the time was right and all he said was "Its time. I love you". OH MY GOD.
He proceeded to commit suicide, choosing a method I'd never think of (creativity points here). His acting was damnn flawless at that point.
Oh yeah, before he did the do, he called up the ambulance and the conversation goes as follows:
Will: I need an ambulance.
Operator: What is the emergency? (something like that..) and then followed by clarifying address and room number.
Will: There's been a suicide.
Operator: Who is the victim?
Big pause. As award winner Will tilts his head and frowns, holding excruciating pain in his features, doubled with confusion blah blah blah the list goes on for a 5 seconds show.
Will: Myself?
Oh dear.. Im afraid Im able to regurgitate everything and I have good memory for these things. Im certain there's a storage in my mind that keeps scenes from movies I watched, seriously. I always remember the plots.
Throughout the show there were short flashbacks of the accident but the last full one was shown before he killed myself (I TYPED MYSELF, I MEAN HIMSELF.) DAMNNNNN ITTTTTTTTT.
I regretted changing the controls for volume settings for bass, dynamic and what shit at the start of the show. The whole impact just sends goosebumps from all the banging and car turning; I couldnt help it to rewind and rewind.
Seriously, I know why they all die from crashes. Just look at the way they are thrown and shoved about. They could have survived, but they didn't.

Okay enough, go watch if you're keen.
Its a slow and deep show though, do try to understand or you'd be confused and bored.
For a light change, Im going to watch prisonbreak season 4 ep 17 now.
It just gets BETTER.
Dont know why people missout on these stuffs and go on to watch really crazy shows.
Wake up already, you kids.
Oh yeah, catch "the bucket list" if you are free too.
Its slow and deep too, and talks about 2 old men on the brink of dying from illnesses forming lists of what to do before they "kick the bucket".
It wasn't that touching for me, maybe the reviews again thwarted my expectations.
But this is even slower than Seven Pounds. Good for peace watching though.

And, when is harry potter: the half-blood prince coming out?
Its been decades sisters..

ps: i didn't strike 4d. and 1 more paper!


2:23 AM

Friday, May 15, 2009
I have no idea why friends read my blog. (Er, okay i know some dont bother.)
The blocks inside me sink even deeper each time I even scroll through any of my entries.
It makes me so depressed.
I hate writing about ugly things seriously. So dont read okay! Really, dont bother.
I just want to make a note somewhere, somehow.


I just came across this conclusion in my mind:
When you've cried so many times alone, you no longer seek for "a shoulder to cry on".
Even one day, when it comes begging for you to lay on it, you've become so accustomed to crying alone.
Time passes and you would no longer need that, anyway, you never had it in the beginning.
Its times like these that one realise that was what everyone ought to be doing.
Cause end of the day we all have to deal with our problems ourselves.
Its really hard to be cheered up by small things, big things, one can only feel so stagnant and blah, blah blah.

Right now there's this ultimate huge bag of worries; fears; uncertainties; tears and whatnot on my shoulders. Literally. My shoulders feel very weighed upon and heavy.
I know its there.

Its hard to get better! Really.
I am not excited at going outside, hanging around dont know where; wherever, doing things with people.
Seriously, its not just the exams but there's this un-cheered up situation happening inside me. I really dont want to do anything. It doesnt matter whether I'm living good, performing well in school, enjoying life's most beautiful things.. u know they're out there!
It simply doesnt matter la.
But of course, I still reflect upon my mistakes in my recent papers.
I cant make mistakes okay. How could I have?
Bag is on my shoulder now. I cannot fault.
HAHAHHAhA bitch.

I planned to write the first thing on this post some weeks ago.
I want to say I am sick of writing unhappy incidents much less reading them.
I want to say I will try try try to make things seem like they're on a lighter note.
Last week I wanted to say I was looking forward to winning 4d.
Yeah this is the most mediocre thing I hold some hopes in.
I want to get a new couch for the house, since everyone refuses to replace the current one. AND its beyond repairable; seeable state.
I also want to get a new TV for my grandma living in that mess of her place.
I can skip extracting the winnings cause I dont want anything.
Sob sob sob.
Today is friday! I will buy 4d again this weekend about my candidate number and desk numbers this week.
Isn't it miserable I can only put this under the 'lighter notes' section of my even more miserable blog?
Oh my god, I want to have the dough to buy those stuffs not because I'm expected to, because I think its natural to do them. And why is no one doing them? Seriously if people behave in a more other-regarding manner, I guess the bag on my shoulder will be lighter. Because I think Im expected to do them, not obliged though.
Sobsobsob.
I feel so miserable being other-regarding.
Fuck it. I dont want to think in this way too, but they come.
I want to be happy being considerate and nice too.
Yeah I do, but the other half of the time I feel the other way.

ANYWAY.......!!!!!!!!! OKAY [insert happy things]
I have 2 more theory papers to go.
I bought iphone last month. (I really cant be bothered to think so much about the costs and value etc, we cant spend so much time thinking about such things.)
Even if whatever was a unwise decision, its really okay.
Being penniless doesnt affect me alot mentally. Just deal with it la.
Thinking about how I see things affect me mentally.
If I made a wrong decision for being a spendthrift, really nothing.
Maybe thats why my dad really wont be too mad over my purchases (though really not very ridiculously exorbitant), we are so tired to weigh the pros and cons of getting things done.
These are nothing compared to serious problems.
I am always broke and I deal with it.
We are always broke and cant afford to get a new couch, wait for 4d!
Chicken nuggets.

The other day he was just telling me off at the supermarket.
Hmm not much of a scolding but I had wanted to buy Ben&Jerry's ice cream, since it was on promotion for the small tubs.
Obviously it was a steep price relative to cheap paddlepop in the oh-so-old-mama-shop.
He wondered why must I always use or want good things - shocking!!!!
Got meh got meh?
At times I seek for quality with my earnings and I do reflect what.
And ALSO, really not very expensive. HAHAHAH BITCH.
Anyway I never bought B&J's from the mart before and its been 1yr+ since I ate in the shops.
By the way.... the ending was us walking away and he saying whether I want to get it or not after asking me about the other cheaper ones (dont know what lousy brand in blue tubs and many colours and not very nice flavours I assume).
Actually I already brought down the money but we didnt get it.
I did consider okay! I saw it the day before and wanted to get it the next time if it was still on promotion.
Of course I rejected his kind offer, because he said I shouldn't get it in the first place.
And I know he always let me have the right of way so I politely refused.
HOHOHOHOO.
End up 2 days later he went to the mart and called me.
I still insisted I dont want the ice cream already man. Really, forget it la.
As usual, I will/can deal with it.
After much asking and persuasion, I hung up the phone.
But he came back with the ice cream okay.
Hello hello!!!!!
End up no promotion ahhahahahahha. We went back to change to big tubs (a different promotion).
Moral of the story: Sometimes i make wise decisions.

The other very light note I should draw out: I am very happy to have a filial dad cause I am filial too. I should feel blessed. Yeah I do what. I often think to myself I'd give him the world if I can, as I watch him sleep. (hahha yes I like to do that; its like watching your own flesh sleeping at peace). Im really grateful to have good parents and I wanna thank my dad for giving me whatever I want, literally. Even when he says I am spending money, he still cant bear to note let me. (of course la, considering my other-regarding sentiments). Even if he doesn't (its right also), it'd be good too to enjoy lesser love.

I need to make a mental note about telling him how I feel, after my exams.
That day there was some happenings and I almost wanted to breakdown (actually everyday when I think of whatever, I want to) hoping he'd understand why I am still here.
I cant believe what he said.
I appeared calm, managing my tears and irrational outburst waiting for a better time.

REALLY. With all these how can I be bothered about purchasing decisions and competing with the world at getting a degree?
*Bag!

I sincerely hope that many lost souls out there can be more unselfish and think more for the family. If everyone plays their part, we will not have elders being treated as kicking balls but instead everyone fights to do their part - fighting towards a trend for staying with the ones who raised them and not fighting to stay away from them. Elders will be happy and cared for, you live even happier. For whatever reason, they took care of you when you couldn't fend for yourself. They could and CAN leave you to grow up and move on to their careers, RELATIONSHIPS, goals like what you're doing exactly now. When you're at the highest peak or at the golden times of your life, they grow weaker and can fend less for themselves. Please come back in for they held you in their arms because you were hungry. For god's sake.
And no, its certainly not obliging for parents to care and raise kids. So be content. You can alter your career decisions, change a new partner but you only have one mom and dad.


To am, to yang, i want to get off too.
Believe me, I want to.

references: cry on my shoulder - 21stcentur Deutshl. sucht den Superstar


7:06 PM

Monday, March 30, 2009
Anyway, last night I had this pain in my left chest.
My dad suggested going to the hospital but i thought to myself it wasn't that serious.
Seconds later, he flopped back into bed. It was 5am and I was just going to crash.
I was shocked at how ridiculous his advise was; but then a thought occured to me.
What if I just died while trying to sleep and this was like a heart attack?
Then I kinda got paranoid and sorta wanted seek consultation right away.
Seeing many reports lately on healthy people just having seizures and passing on has frightened me.
Thing is, I wasn't afraid of falling down.
When I layed there clutching my chest, I knew I couldn't let myself die cause this man beside me will die as well when I am gone.
I couldn't be that cruel & selfish to leave him to suffer even more than what we are living now. Its just that I love him too much that for once I wanted to face my health with a straight face.
So, I decided.
Another is, I could have just go on anyway. That'd mean I love myself more. Cause I'm letting myself go and too bad dad, I just cant bear to let myself go through another death. Sorry... its painful but I'm letting you do it because I dont want to.
It saddened me because I'm thinking for him more than I should for my own well-being. And that will only result in myself suffering. AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF IT, ISNT IT?
It also came as a shock that I cant be bothered with myself passing on, its just the living ones that matter. I'm really not afraid to die, im just afraid what is going to happen after i die. Its really okay to go. Really.
It's such a irony man. When youre thinking more for others, you actually want to think more for yourself. I mean, it's really unfair to myself as opposed to the sufferings. So things like you'd have more composure when you put others infront of youself do not exist.
Wake up already, you optimistic people.
Wake up.
That happiness & composure would be you youself suffering and sometimes, all the time, this pain is not what you want.
AND.
When you think of yourself more, you'd be unhappy cause you're selfish. You would want to think more of others now.
In a nutshell, this stupid theory is based on your values towards that 2 factor. And yeah, I think I'd let myself suffer instead of him. Because I love him too much to see (ok i cant see when im dead) him suffer the aftermath.
That's all the more I feel sad cause Im unable to think for myself.
Now why cant I be the one who doesnt have to be put up for all these?
Why cant I?
Then the whole theory starts again.
ANYWAY When he goes I'd just put on a pretence every single day & drop dead when I find my way home. Erm home?

Bye guys.
Do stop being optimistic; it makes me sick.
Sicker.


1:32 AM
I've always been intending to blog, and when I got here I just cant remember what I've previously thought about writing.
I usually form ideas of my thoughts while trying to sleep, and cause I always cant sleep, I always think about what to write about.
Argh.
Well the general idea I got lately is I've been losing something in life.
I used to be really working for something, something like a bond; love; goals; my life. I used to study hard & play hard since I was born.
When I left secondary school, my life went downscale in poly.
I guess it'd have been better (I THINK) if I should have done something more there.
It's like an empty empty shell. After secondary, I just slacked my way through, sleep, gain weight, sleep, eat, gain weight, until now. I still sleep and eat like crazy.
Comparatively, in secondary life was so fun & really memorable, having met so many people who became important to me now. And the things we did were so full of love, care&concern, respect and fun. We can never go back to that summer of 2001,2002 onwards.
Books and writing are my life; it took me so long to accept the point.
Somehow I should have gone into that light. But nonetheless, im okay here.
Ive decided to write something after my exams end.
Ive been reading very nice books lately, and its amazing how these words and scenes can change your emotions. It was hard to continue reading on, times when I felt there's this block of emotions gelled up in my oesophagus (yes that particular position of the throat) and you had to swallow it back in order to get back to reality and continue on. Thing is, this block just sinks deeper and deeper, it never gets out.
Time to time, a second and third block is formed in the pipeline. Its just a matter of time it reaches the far opening of the throat; time to expel all these "back-of-the-minds."
I cant live without writing and books. Good movies too, allows the characters to live inside me. Some for a few days and some forever. I love how you get entwined with the plot & it kinda makes you alive reliving their fates. For one, Harry.P lives forever inside me and I'd like to thank Mdm Joanne. Rowling for the series, which must have been significant in many readers' lives. Almost all of the characters are alive inside me, I think I can remember briefly what happened in every book. Now its actually unfeeling to read them again; as I might have done so at least 10times for each one. My favorite is Half-Blood Prince by the way, what's yours?
I cant imagine how people can come to not learn of this wonderful series... much last understand them.
It ached everytime Dumbledore died, and because I read it so many a times, he died so many times. And I'd never forget my friend actually told me he is going to die in this book before I actually lay my hands on it. Damn it.
ANYWAY.
I am having a headache now so I better end this quick.
Im feeling resentful cause I used to be disciplined.
I used to do assessment books myself in primary school, mark them without looking at the answer sheets myself, and actually did 1 year ahead.
Now...... what happened exactly in this lapse of years?
Also I got this shock recently when I learnt that no one did assessments one year earlier e.g. when you're in primary 4 you do primary 5 stuffs.
ZZZZZZZZ. I am really shocked.
I thought everyone does that. It's natural right?
So in the end, its just me and the stupid smarty kids in popular bookstore.
I ended up being very bored in primary 6 cause I've finished everything.. and I swear I must have did half the brands available in the store for English. Yes I am that bored. I remember this scene I was doing the joining sentences thing in primary 6. I was in my air-con room (yes i had) and I keep doing and finishing every thing in days cause I wanted to practise cursive handwriting. Teeheehee. Yes I am that free.
But I also did hung out at the playgrounds everyday :) I just knew how to balance and play and study hard.
Now.......... what happened?
Secondary was still alright.
I still cant help emphasizing how damn much I miss the days.
Now.... I dont know what exactly put me off course.
But I cant go back anymore.
I cant undo them, but anyway I'm not doing too bad. Even if I did something more in poly, people in poly are those you dont keep in touch often. Those involved in extra activities I mean, judging from the friends around me... they dont seem to bond as much dont they? zzzz then im glad :)
I just cant sleep.
FUCK.


1:00 AM

Sunday, March 01, 2009
We should all be reminded at time to time...
that
"No one is indispensable."


7:26 PM